On Losing It, and Gaining It. Weight, Happiness, and Peace: Part III

So what is my point with all of this?

I'm breaking free of restriction.

Do you hear that body? Body?

Tap tap.

I'm breaking free of restri...yes, all of it.



Life is too precious to live with so many restrictions. It doesn't allow for any spontaneity - for 11:00pm phone calls from friends or a day so beautiful that I feel compelled to sunbathe for hours, doing nothing but letting the sun caress me while reading the latest issue of Bon Appetit.

Restriction is what caused me to lose so much weight so quickly, yes, but it also broke me. It made me forget who I was, what I enjoyed and loved, and sent me down a depressing, isolated downward slope.

I'm now at a place where I'm done putting labels on myself and my diet. When I do that now, I feel suffocated and forced into a lifestyle, and that makes me feel uncomfortable.



I'm eating what I want to eat. And putting much less emphasis on food. My life tends to completely revolve around it, but not in the way that I'd like it to.

I want to focus on how sweet the first bite of a summer peach tastes as its juice drips down my chin.

Or how creamy and fresh just a small taste of raw almond butter is, as opposed to multiple spoonfuls in one sitting.

Drinking a cold, refreshing sip of lemon iced tea from a Bonne Maman jam jar on a warm, breezy day.

And the way a tender scallop melts away into my mouth, covering my tongue in a lovely buttery, briny flavor.

Food is something to be appreciated, not abused.

Bodies are things to be appreciated, not abused.

Hey body? Sorry to bother you again, but did you hear that?

No? Let me get a little closer.

Is this close enough? No? Really?

Here, maybe you need a hug.

You will be appreciated, not abused.

On Losing It, and Gaining It. Weight, Happiness, and Peace: Part II

I was unhappy because, regardless of my weight, I wasn't loving myself.

Sure, I was skinny. But I became skinny because I abused my body; I sacrificed my health and happiness to lose weight.

I didn't go out to dinner with friends.

Regardless of whatever plans came up, if they interfered with my scheduled gym time, I declined the plans in lieu of getting my workout, lest feeling guilty.

I turned away foods I once loved, because I feared eating them would make me gain weight.

Don't get me wrong - it wasn't all bad. I fell in love with cooking. I started this blog. I created new, healthy recipes that made me feel good because I knew eating them wouldn't make me gain weight.

But I didn't love myself. And I didn't love my lifestyle.

So it unraveled.

One thread.

Then another.

And four more.

Until I became a pile of yarn strewn across the floor.



I convinced myself that my restricted lifestyle would keep me thin. I didn't eat dairy, eggs, or meat, so I didn't have to worry about excess fat, cholesterol, or an of those "bad" things. I just ate my beans and vegetables and feigned a smile.

The ironic part of it all? I gained weight while being vegan. I gained weight without so much as a bite of meat touching my teeth.

Every time my clothes felt tight, I would go on a "cleanse". Or I'd vow to stay strictly vegan because I convinced myself that it would make me thin again. Or I'd decide I'd only eat raw for a few weeks.

I was a mess.

That made me learn a valuable lesson: It isn't what you choose to eat, but how you treat your body. You can abuse your body being a raw foodie, being vegan or vegetarian, or eating red meat every day. Conversely, you can be perfectly healthy eating whatever makes you happy.



I abused my body for months, and I'm still struggling. But I'm learning.

And now I'm at a crossroads.

Part III is on the way.

On Losing It, and Gaining It. Weight, Happiness, and Peace: Part I

When I was obese, people would always tell me things like:

"Guys will never like you unless you're skinny."

"The reason you don't have friends is because of your weight."

or, my personal favorite.

"Guys will only date you because you have big boobs."

It felt as if my weight was more than a health issue, more than fat covering me and trapping me in a body that felt uncomfortable beyond words.

People made me feel like it was the one thing stopping me from having a life. I'd never find friends, never discover love and I'd never be happy until I lost weight.

So, when I finally lost all of that weight, and had become so small and bony that everyone I knew was concerned about my well being, I finally thought:

"Now I'll have a boyfriend. Guys will want me now!"

"People will want to be my friend. They won't be ashamed to be seen in public with the fat girl anymore."

"I no longer have any boobs whatsoever, but I'm skinny, so who cares?"

What people didn't tell me is that skinniness isn't the key to happiness.

What people didn't tell me was that losing weight doesn't get rid of the problems you had before. Losing it just shoved those problems to the back of the closet, where no one could see and where you, yourself, didn't want to see. They collected dust, but they were still there. It was only a matter of time before someone went snooping around, uncovered the problems full of cobwebs, dusted them off and displayed them to the world.

Allow me to let you in on a little secret:

Guys didn't like me more. I've never actually had a boyfriend.

The same friends I had when I was obese are still around now. I don't have many more, but I do have fewer, due to other reasons.

What I did lose when I lost weight were things like my ability to menstruate. I lost that for about a year, and didn't think anything of it, instead thinking it was a godsend because I couldn't get pregnant and didn't have to deal with a woman's normal monthly routine.

What I realized (I recently had this epiphany) is that I didn't lose weight for myself. I didn't lose weight to be healthy.

I lost weight for other people.

I lost weight because I thought it would make me happy.

When it didn't, I stopped caring.

If I wasn't happy obese, and I wasn't happy skinny, who cares how much I weigh? I'd still be unhappy.

But why was I unhappy?

Stay tuned for part II.