January 4, 2011

Back on Track

I've bemoaned writing this post because I don't really like word-only posts and I didn't want to admit these things to myself, but I've gained weight. The combination of eating too much, making poor and unhealthy food choices, and barely any exercise has made me put on the pounds, and put them on fast. I didn't want to admit it to myself, but yesterday after seeing full length pictures of myself, I almost burst into tears. I didn't believe it was me. What happened to my muscle tone? Where was the body I'm used to seeing? The body I worked so hard for?

It wasn't there anymore. I feel awful. I feel bloated. Honestly? I feel disgusting.

There are no excuses. I stopped going to the gym because it was cold and I figured that since I eat healthy and did yoga, I didn't need to do cardio or lift weights. Then I started eating more cookies. Then I stopped doing yoga. Still, I ate more cookies. I ate a lot of cheese. I stopped eating fruits, vegetables and everything that helped me get my body.

I've been craving sugar in excess. In fact, I've been craving junk food. I don't know why; it was so easy to eat healthy and strictly when I was vegan and now I find myself craving things I haven't eaten in years. Since when would I ever eat a chocolate covered twinkie? Or chips? But still, I've had both in the past week. I don't know why I'm having these cravings, but it scares me.

I stepped on a scale today for the first time in months and, once again, almost burst into tears. I saw a number I hadn't seen in a long time. A number that I thought I would never be again because I had been maintaining a healthy weight for so long. But it's there. My tone is disappearing and I feel like a lump.

So what does this all mean?

I will not let myself feel like this anymore. I will not feel bad for myself. I worked my butt off to get to where I am, I won't let myself slip any longer.

Here are things I've realized:
- I can't eat like a normal skinny person, because I'm not a normal skinny person. I used to be obese, and I can be obese again. I still have the same amount of fat cells, and I need to realize that I can't eat cookies and lounge around and expect my weight to be the same.
- I need to get to the bottom of these cravings so I don't binge anymore.
- Exercise makes me feel good. Muscles make me feel powerful and amazing. I want to feel that way again.

I want my body back.

I will get it back.

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  1. I admire you for knowing what you want and going out and being proactive and getting it. That's a super quality! Too many people are unhappy with themselves and don't change.
    Buuut, for my own piece of mind, I HAVE to say please, please be careful. I went on a diet and went too far and almost died (thanks, ED) and so whenever I see the words 'fast' or 'cleanse' or 'diet', I just feel I have to say something! Obvs you're smart, and you know what you're doing - I just haave to say it.
    Good luck girl, tho I'll miss your recipes..!!

  2. ahhh kristina! you WILL get your body back. i know it is frustrating but i am so glad that you're overcoming it and dealing with it! you CAN do it. i promise. you did it before and you will do it again. i hit a slump in december too - the holidays suck - candy freaking everywhere. stay strong and remember that you KNOW how to do this! :) :) :)

  3. Hey sweetie - I'm sorry to hear that you're so frustrated right now. But you have the tools and knowledge to get back on track. But do know that there really isn't any such thing as normal skinny girls and eating. I mean, I am thin and have really good genes, but I stay on top of my eating and exercising and I think that's the key. It takes work and dedication. You've been there and know. I think once you start getting back into a routine of exercise (which I thought you really enjoyed) you'll start to feel better all the way around. You're gorgeous, smart, and have so much to offer!

  4. I know how much it sucks to get off the "health van wagon" and how hard it can be to get back on it!---ive been there! However, believe in yourself that things will only get easier as days go by and you'll be back to your happy weight before you know it. Best of luck on the cleanse and in getting your bod back.

  5. You can do it! I gained over the holidays and I'm getting into a strength training routine and so far so good! I'm also going sugar free this week! I've always wanted to do a juice/smoothie cleanse, can't wait to hear how it works out!

  6. Try not to be so hard on yourself! You've recommitted. That's all there is to it, you know? Once you decide to do it, you're doing it. You'll have your old self back in no time. :)

  7. Hang in there dear heart. Life is a journey with ups and downs... you did some culinary exploration and now it is time to swing back to center! You will do just fine.

  8. This might be my first time commenting, but I've been reading your blog since you posted a few things here and there on lj as organically me. ;) I've been a huge fan ever since!

    I love your drive and determination. We all have our slip ups, it's being able to pull ourselves out of them that really allow us to shine. You know what you need to do to get back there and you will get back there.

  9. It seems like we are both in the same boat!!! Between moving cross country during the holidays and living out of suitcases and hotels until my household goods arrived, my lack of gym time is showing. Your blog is my motivation to get back on the physical fitness band wagon!!! Thank you for creating such a thoughtful and insightful blog for those of us who strive to maintain a healthy lifestyle! Good luck and take care!

  10. Keep posting stuff like this i really like it

  11. You are a beautiful, strong, and healthy person and I know you can feel great again. I hate to admit it but I have been going through a similar phase. I used to enjoy and crave healthy foods more than any other kinds of foods but recently I found myself at a movie with a box of Good and Plenty and a medium popcorn with butter...something that hadn't happened in years. I used to WANT to take carrots and snap peas to a movie and...ugh. I am using you as motivation to get back on track too!