It wasn't there anymore. I feel awful. I feel bloated. Honestly? I feel disgusting.
There are no excuses. I stopped going to the gym because it was cold and I figured that since I eat healthy and did yoga, I didn't need to do cardio or lift weights. Then I started eating more cookies. Then I stopped doing yoga. Still, I ate more cookies. I ate a lot of cheese. I stopped eating fruits, vegetables and everything that helped me get my body.
I've been craving sugar in excess. In fact, I've been craving junk food. I don't know why; it was so easy to eat healthy and strictly when I was vegan and now I find myself craving things I haven't eaten in years. Since when would I ever eat a chocolate covered twinkie? Or chips? But still, I've had both in the past week. I don't know why I'm having these cravings, but it scares me.
I stepped on a scale today for the first time in months and, once again, almost burst into tears. I saw a number I hadn't seen in a long time. A number that I thought I would never be again because I had been maintaining a healthy weight for so long. But it's there. My tone is disappearing and I feel like a lump.
So what does this all mean?
I will not let myself feel like this anymore. I will not feel bad for myself. I worked my butt off to get to where I am, I won't let myself slip any longer.
Here are things I've realized:
- I can't eat like a normal skinny person, because I'm not a normal skinny person. I used to be obese, and I can be obese again. I still have the same amount of fat cells, and I need to realize that I can't eat cookies and lounge around and expect my weight to be the same.
- I need to get to the bottom of these cravings so I don't binge anymore.
- Exercise makes me feel good. Muscles make me feel powerful and amazing. I want to feel that way again.
I want my body back.
I will get it back.